3 Great Ideas to Help You Effectively Self-Soothe

When you encounter irritation or anger — or when you are triggered by something — the response you have is often quick. Sometimes too quick to catch. At times like these, we may turn to food, alcohol, or other substances for solace. That solace is usually short-lived and often results in shame. These responses to stress, tiredness, or a difficult conversation with a partner can be problematic — especially if they are just as frequent as the triggers that set them off!

People very often arrive for therapy when they struggle to gain control of something they know is both a destructive and self-defeating behaviour — yet is also difficult to control.

A potential cause for such problems in controlling emotional response comes from our experience of modelling via the influence of a primary, or very significant, caregiver when we were young. If that modelling was not great — and there was all sorts of anger, bottling up of emotions, etc. — then we tend to handle our own stress in the same (or very similar) ways. On a positive note, practicing evidence-based interventions to self-soothe can help us handle negative emotions better.

How do I know when I need self-soothing?

You will nearly always know after the fact! But the trick is picking up the beginning of an emotional hijack before it takes over and leads to the response. Emotional thinking taking over is always accompanied by a physical feeling somewhere (e.g., in the chest, head, stomach). Think of it this way:

• When there is no threat, nothing is upsetting you, and you are calm — how do you physically feel?

• Now compare that to the last time you were angry or frustrated.

Initially, a great idea is just to get better at spotting your emotional state.Ask yourself:

What am I feeling right now?

As you ask the question, really focus on how you are physically responding/feeling at that moment. The value is you will get better at spotting the here it comes again feeling when you are triggered. Also, in your analysis, ask:

• What led up to this feeling? (A row? An awkward situation? Tiredness?)

• What was your response to the trigger? (i.e., What did you do to self-soothe?)

Example:

Trigger	Feeling	Response
Argument	Flutter in chest	Consume substance to make me feel better

Of course, a re-frame of this scenario is that the person you are arguing with — or the negative thoughts or feelings you are experiencing — tell you to go and self-harm in some way. Our intention, then, is to better regulate our response when a feeling or emotional state starts to take over. Essentially, we are wedging an intervention between the feeling and response sections of the model above.

Three Self-Soothing Techniques

1. Tapping

No, I’m serious — this actually works…

1. Start by tapping the back of your left hand with two fingers of your right hand, roughly two taps per second, for 30 seconds.

2. Move to the forearm and do the same, then the bicep/upper arm, shoulder, left side of your chest, waist, thigh, butt, calf, and foot.

3. Stand up straight and scan yourself — what feels different between your left and right side?

4. Repeat using your left hand on the right side of the body. Stand up again, scan yourself, and note how you feel.

2. Square Breathing

Square (or box) breathing reduces stress — even in veterans suffering post-traumatic stress (Seppälä et al., 2014).

• Set the timer on your phone for 3 minutes.

• Breathe in for 4 seconds.

• Hold for 4 seconds.

• Breathe out for 4 seconds.

• Hold again for 4 seconds.

Repeat, making sure you breathe consciously, either counting inside your head or watching the phone timer. Continue for at least 3 minutes.

3. Defuse from Your Thoughts

Defusion — a technique from Acceptance Commitment Therapy — is a great way to separate yourself from your negative thoughts (Larson et al., 2016). Thoughts come into our minds (you will have noticed) without us asking for them. They can be random, messy, and sometimes unpleasant. The idea here is to simply say to yourself what you can see:

“Right now, I am thinking ‘I wonder what people will make of this.’”

In defusion, it’s recommended you insert the phrase:

“I notice I am having the thought that…”

This way, you defuse from a thought you were fused to. This is not the same as getting rid of the thought — it’s still there — but a part of your mind has separated itself and is noticing what you are thinking.

Your thoughts are not definite reality or instructions you must obey. Some may be true, but many (as we all know) are most definitely not.

You can practice defusion on any thought, but it’s best used on thoughts you don’t like having. A key feature is not to try to wrestle with the thought, push it away, or distract yourself. Instead, you accept the thought is there and notice it without fighting it.

Updated Model:

Trigger		Response
Argument	Chest flutter	Defusion or Square breathing or Tapping

References

• Boath, E., Good, R., Tsaroucha, A., Stewart, T., Pitch, S., & Boughey, A. J. (2017). Tapping your way to success: using Emotional Freedom Techniques (EFT) to reduce anxiety and improve communication skills in social work students. Social Work Education, 36(6), 715-730.

• Larsson, A., Hooper, N., Osborne, L. A., Bennett, P., & McHugh, L. (2016). Using brief cognitive restructuring and cognitive defusion techniques to cope with negative thoughts. Behavior Modification, 40(3), 452-482.

• Seppälä, E. M., et al. (2014). Breathing-based meditation decreases posttraumatic stress disorder symptoms in US Military veterans. Journal of Traumatic Stress, 27(4), 397-405.