This Might Help Us All Communicate Better…

Ever walked away from a conversation thinking, “That felt messy...”?

Good communication happens when it’s just two adults talking—calm, open, and listening—without guilt, shame, fear, or the urge to “win.” Sounds simple, right? Yet… how often do we really get there?

Psychiatrist Eric Berne called these moments of back-and-forth “transactions”, and they often reveal who is showing up in our conversations:

• the child

• the parent

• the adult

Let’s say I’m being controlling or bossy, and you’re sitting quietly, eyes down, swinging your feet like a kid in trouble. We’re both bringing different “ego states” to the table—and they’re not based on our age, but on how we feel and react.

One evening, I witnessed a wife in her 30s argue with her husband and—no joke—stick out her tongue in frustration. She wasn’t joking. That was her inner child popping out, loud and proud! We all have one, by the way—though most of us keep ours a little better hidden…

So what do we do with this?

Use it not to judge others—but to check in with ourselves. If you’re feeling tense or anxious, it’s probably not your calm adult self driving the convo. And maybe… your inner chimp (as psychologist Steve Peters would call it) is freaking out.

Try this question next time you’re mid-conflict:

“Do I like this feeling I’m having?”

If the answer is no, there’s a good chance your inner chimp or adapted child is steering the ship. But awareness = power. Noticing it helps you pause, breathe, and respond as the adult instead of reacting from your emotional center.

How to Spot Ego States

Here's a quick breakdown of the three ego states Berne described:

Parent

Not about being a literal parent—it’s the tone, attitude, or words we’ve picked up over the years.

• Nurturing: “You okay? Want some help?”

• Controlling: “Why did you do that?! You should know better.”

Adult

Calm, rational, and grounded in the here-and-now. Think facts, not feelings.

Child

All those impulsive feelings from childhood—playful or fearful.

• Free Child: curious, creative, silly

• Adapted Child: anxious, guilty, withdrawn

Quick Exercise: Identify the Ego State

Label each person below with their dominant ego state:

1. Caroline (angrily): "I told you not to touch it—now it’s broken!"

Jasper (avoids eye contact, slouched):

Caroline: ______

Jasper: ______

2. Michael (swinging legs): "I’d love a cup of tea."

Emma: "Great! Make me one while you’re at it!"

Michael: ______

Emma: ______

3. Jane: "Sales are down 10% from last month."

Sarah: "That’s tough. Let’s regroup next month."

Jane: ______

Sarah: ______

4. Client (tearfully): "I just want to give up..."

Nutritionist: "That sounds really hard—would it help if I gave you a few suggestions?"

Client: ______

Nutritionist: ______

Reflective Prompts

Task 1:

When was the last time your free child came out in the past 24 hours? (Be honest!)

Task 2:

What’s great about your free child?

What could get you in trouble?

Task 3:

When is it most important for you to stay in your adult mode?

Task 4:

What “life position” do you usually take? Does it change depending on your mood?

If this sparked some aha! moments, you’re not alone. We’re all walking around with a team in our heads—it’s just about noticing who’s talking before we hit send or say something we regret.

References

• Berne, E. (1968). Games People Play

• Harris, T.A. (2012). I’m OK, You’re OK

• Peters, S. (2013). The Chimp Paradox