Do You Suffer From Unhelpful Thinking?

Spot and Change Unhelpful Thinking with These Four Great Tips

#1 Rumination

One of the things our minds clearly do is try to solve problems which have already long gone.

Take for example thoughts where you are ruminating over a past event or relationship and having thoughts such as:“if only I had said…” or “if only I had done that differently.”

These kinds of thoughts can often be unhelpful. We can get stuck on them, playing them over and over again when obviously we can’t actually go back and change the event in question. We can, however, change the way we respond over time by using the brain’s neuroplasticity to change thought patterns. Take the rumination example above — if I choose to spot that rumination:“ahh there I go again ruminating…”I effectively separate myself a little from the rumination, so one part of my mind is noticing what another part is doing:“Rumination is a thing relating to the past and I am not in the past now, I am here, and those ruminations are just thoughts…”

Of course, if I am too locked into the rumination/unhelpful/hurtful thought, I am too busy to stop and notice it. I’m essentially too busy thinking to be able to think about thinking. This idea is what Acceptance Commitment Therapy calls “defusing” from a thought. Give defusion a try next time you are stuck on an unhelpful thought — don’t try to distract yourself or ignore the thought. Notice it is there and say:“I notice I am having the thought that xxx again.”

#2 All-or-Nothing Thinking / Catastrophising

Do you ever feel like an outcome can only ever be:a) perfect, orb) a disaster?

Here’s an example.I’m driving to work (to deliver training to other people). Several events are happening:

1. Roadworks.

2. The weather is so awful more people are in their cars than ever before in the history of driving.

3. Google Maps is being (at best) unclear over whether I am taking the next fork left or going straight on.

I go straight on… it’s wrong.

As I sit with my window wipers on full steam, my chimp brain goes into overdrive:“Why are you always late!”“You are stupid and all the people waiting for you will also think you are stupid, as clearly you can’t read a map or organise yourself.”“This will set the scene for a crap day where things will go from bad to worse.”

Any of this familiar?

The modern-day, logical human brain needs to intervene here:“It is just one of those things — so you will be a little bit late, apologise, and move on with your day…” But the chimp brain will not be happy with this:“It looks bad that we burst in late, sloppy, unprepared…”

We are designed to worry, as being anxious has kept the species alive in the past — concerned about what might go wrong. But this is not a sabre-tooth tiger, a drop off a precipitous cliff, or a dark cave with a loud hissing coming from within. It’s a training event with other human beings, all of whom (except maybe Jenny in accounts) have been late at some point.

Me talking to the chimp:“I understand why you are concerned — it’s better not to be late and this makes you stressed because of the impression it creates. This training is, however, prepared. I have the administrator’s phone number on hands-free, I’ll call to let them know. Rain, roadworks, traffic could make anyone late — we will relax and make a good job of the training…”

This process of talking to yourself is natural and happens to everyone. The important part? The chimp is placated, not argued with. Allow it to rant/express concerns (do it out loud if you’re alone in the car) and then acknowledge:“I understand why you are concerned…” — and finish by explaining the logical course of action you’ll take.

#3 Over-Generalising

We can take one piece of “data” —“he is an obnoxious, selfish person” (let’s pretend this is a tall white man with a beard) — and apply it to anyone else who meets the same characteristics:“tall white men with beards are all selfish/obnoxious people.”

From a primitive brain perspective, this made sense for survival — spot danger in one member of a “tribe” and avoid them all.

But in the modern context? Not so much.I know a man who is white, tall, has a beard, and is the milk of human kindness.

Common over-generalisations look like this:

• “I was hurt by her when I got too close, it will happen again this time…”

• “All people who get into a position of power start to act that way…”

• “People can never be trusted when money is at stake…”

Instead — look for your own biases and the exceptions to the rule.

#4 Over-Personalising

You were little, your mum and dad argued/fought, and you blamed yourself — as children do. But you couldn’t really have been responsible, could you? Still, you blame yourself. The same goes for:“Why does this always happen to me?!” It’s like owning a red Fiat. You’re the only person you know with one, but all of a sudden, there are red Fiats everywhere. Once you’re alert to something and looking for it — there it is! We need to notice:It doesn’t always happen to me. No one is out to get me. Life can be chaotic, and bad stuff happens — but it’s not aimed directly at me.

Quick Recap:

• Let go of unhelpful rumination by defusing.

• Are you using black-and-white thinking? “No!” — “Oh wait, yes I am.”

• Spot over-generalisations (stop picking on beardies).

• Am I personalising? (Am I/was I really accountable for that?)

Good Reads Relating to Your Thinking:

• Peters, S. (2013). The Chimp Paradox: The Mind Management Program to Help You Achieve Success, Confidence, and Happiness. TarcherPerigee.

• Daniel Howell. You Will Get Through This Night. Harper Collins.

• Harris, R. (2011). The Happiness Trap: Stop Struggling, Start Living. ReadHowYouWant.com.