Make My Life Better Now!

"I want to succeed… succeed at losing weight, succeed at getting fitter, succeed at saving money, at improving my love life, at being better, being more, more, more something than I am now…"

These are familiar feelings in many of my clients — the anxiety-provoking need to achieve change and improve their life in some way. And who are we to say there is anything wrong with the notion of self-improvement? Perhaps, however, it is worthy of first considering what underlies those needs/wants.

The Four ‘Pillars’ of Life

We clearly have some outstanding ‘pillars’ (/ˈpɪlə/ noun = support, column, prop) which are central to our lives, including:

1. Intimate relationships (if we are lucky)

2. Jobs/careers (see brackets for pillar 1)

3. Leisure time (hopefully)

4. Spiritual/mental/physical health (e.g., prayer, meditation, diet, exercise)

Consider these on a scale from 1–10 and ask yourself:

"How close am I to having these in the kind of shape I want them in?"

• 1 = a long way away (for example, completely the wrong job/career for me)

• 10 = bullseye (e.g., a great relationship with my significant other(s))

A big underlying issue for many people’s struggles with mental health relates to living at odds with these central pillars.

• If one is out of whack — okay, that needs some attention.

• If two are not on track — manageable, but more work to do.

• If three out of four are offline… now we have a problem.

An unhappy job, poor relationship, and neglected health? That’s a lot to cope with. A good first step might be to target where you are in relation to these pillars. If several are far from where you want them to be, start with one and start today. Ask: "What one small thing could I do today to make a small impact on the pillar which concerns me most?"

Here's a tip: You can’t go from unfit and struggling to tie your shoelaces… to running a 5k today. But maybe you can build in a brisk walk you would otherwise not have done. Doing this equals a type of immediate success. Success right now isn’t just the overall goal — it’s also the steps along the way.

Example:

• Overall goal = run 5k without stopping.

• If you’re a long way off from that (and unsure you’ll even get there), the best place to start is to give yourself some success right now — the 5 mins, 10 mins, 20 mins brisk walk.

And importantly — don’t constantly think about the final goal if it feels overwhelming.

Now imagine an archery target:

• The bullseye = 10

• The very outer edge = 1

Consider these four pillars:

1. Work/education — your job and/or developing skills, work, study.

2. Leisure — how you spend your time relaxing, enjoying yourself, treats, fun, creativity.

3. Personal growth/health — health, nutrition, exercise, spirituality, yoga, meditation.

4. Relationships — partner, children, relatives, friends.

What to do:

1. Draw the target on a piece of scrap paper or in your diary.

2. Score yourself for each pillar, after careful consideration.

3. Ask:

   • Where am I right now?

   • Which of my values are being unmet?

   • Which are in good shape?

Hopefully one or more of these pillars is closer to the bullseye. But if not, get to work today on just one. If, for example, relationships are way off:

• Over-arching goal = have better relationships with my family (too vague and overwhelming).

• Smaller goal = have more regular contact with family.

• Smaller still = make regular weekly/monthly calls.

• Smallest, most actionable = call my sister today.

It works like the 5k example — I can’t achieve the whole thing today. Sometimes the whole thing is off-putting because it’s too big and overwhelming to take in all at once. But I could probably make that one call today.